“I’m not a fan of the hug.”
“Then you haven’t been hugged properly. It’s like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.”
–From the show Pushing Daisies
I didn’t know it yet, but we were about to have what is, in my opinion, the single most important conversation my husband and I have had in our marriage.
Memories of nasty fights were flitting through my head – accusations, hiding, and hurt – lots and lots of hurt. I was feeling overwhelmed and just wanted to give up. What did he want from me? He was impossible to please and so easy to get upset. We were sitting together, and I just blurted it out.
“When we are fighting, when you get upset, what do you want me to do?” He looked confused, and I could tell he was about to withdraw. “No, seriously. I want to know,” I continued. “I’ll tell you for me too, but I want to know what I can do for you when we start to get upset at each other. What would you honestly like me to do? What would be helpful? What do you secretly wish I would do?”
He looked skeptical and irritated, like he was expecting a lecture. “I already know what it is for you! You don’t have to tell me. You just need me to give you space.”
“What?!??! Noooo!!!!” I almost wailed. “A hug!!!! When I’m upset at you, or stressed, or we are fighting, or anything really, I just want and need a hug! All you have to do is hug me! Why on earth would I want space?”
He looked shocked and might have rolled his eyes. “A hug? You tense up when I try to give you hugs when we’re fighting.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t want a hug!!!!” I almost screamed.